I can feel when I dance that I'm holding back, I don't know why I'm holding back or why I'm so afraid. I've felt it for a very long time and I know I can not teach if I can not dance for myself.
Why do I hate myself? Why am I so insecure? Dancing has always been something I love. What is going on?
I feel the same way about music. Maybe we're afraid precisely BECAUSE these are the things we love deepest, and if we end up sucking at them, we feel like our lives are over.
ReplyDeleteAlso, when I sing I feel like I'm giving the deepest part of me up to complete strangers to do whatever they want with it. Which is part of the joy, but a lot of what makes it terrifying for me.
And, um, I can't believe you went to a class with Mandy Moore!! SYTYCD. is. grand.
I am going to parrot what Brooke said, almost.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about writing. [insert Brooke's profound next sentence here] And I used to only ever write things that came out perfectly as I wrote. Everything else I would scrap. However, a professor of mine once told me that the only way to be a better writer is to write. I am thinking that, also, the only way to be a better dancer (singer) is to dance (sing). Not only to write/dance/sing, but to vomit all over the page at times. And to write uncomfortable things. And to expose yourself. So now I sometimes write those gross drippy, yucky things. And sometimes I'm embarrassed. But it is happening less that I am embarrassed so that other times I am not. And maybe it's possible to vomit out something worthwhile on occasion.
And what if we only ever did things we loved for the sake of doing them and not for the sake of an audience's approval? What if we took tests in order to feel satisfied that we had worked hard in order to fill in the bubbles and never actually looked at the score we got? What if we created a new purpose for performing well, aside from the applause? And perhaps there are a million other what ifs.
But all I know is that the more pain and rejection I feel, the greater the capacity I have to feel joy and love and every other wonderful thing.
Courty. I love you.
Forget about yourself and dance.
P.S. Mandy Moore is awesome. Remember that dance she choreographed with Sabra and Neil that involved the business meeting? Yeah. Sometimes I still watch that.
ReplyDeleteAnother P.S. of sorts?!
ReplyDeleteCourty, please please PLEASE come to visit! I am actually going to work at the fair in Alaska during the last week and a half or so of summer so I can make more money for school, so I won't be in provo until the second week of school, which may be like the 8th or 9th. But I will be living in a little house right next to the library that is made out of red brick and we could just sleepover our little hearts out and it would be blissful. So, again, please. come.
!