Caring is a Curse

It is so very painful to watch terrible things happen to your friends and be unable to help.

40 Seconds

I never understood that I could be so connected to 40 seconds.

I auditioned for my piece this week, which is very near and dear to me and after, the head of the dance department told me she was disappointed as the piece didn't turn out as expected. I feel very hurt because I'm putting myself out there and being very personal with this piece. This is about my grief with my Hailey and I don't believe anyone has a right to tell me that I'm doing anything wrong.

The two eight counts I did for auditions, were out of context and possibly did look a little jazzy. I understand, but what I don't get is why they didn't just ask me how the rest of the dance was coming along. I'm also quite angry they threatened to kick my piece out because of two stupid eight-counts that weren't "what they expected."

While this was all going on, a bunch of girls were sitting in front of the window of where I was crying and discussing this whole ordeal with the heads. The girls outside were then discussing whether they would give up their spots to choreograph for me. One girl actually did, but my piece was never actually cut. Now I feel a great deal of guilt about that.

Maybe I need to be in this tortured state to choreograph.

The lazy boredom disease.

I wish to be with someone right now, but that would require moving. I might actually have to put on real people clothes, apply make up, or heaven forbid, go outside. This would mean that I would spend thirty minutes getting ready and then driving 20 minutes to an hour to be with said friend. This would then be followed by a lengthly debate for 15 to 30 minutes about what we should do for the evening.

This is why I love Ian. Ian takes no effort whatsoever and I usually just have to roll over to my right to have a friend.

Oh friends, can't we all just hang out in our pjs watching tv? Can't we be stinky and eat all of the fudge and cookies my mom just made?

I disgust myself. Maybe this is just a winter thing? Why must I be so lazy? I need some motivation!

I AM BORED.

I hope you all will come see it...

I got most of my dance out today. It's not exactly where I want it but I have a feeling it's going to turn out wonderfully. I just wish the girls would really get it. We still have six months but being my first dance I want it to be perfect.

I'm playing with the idea of having people act out a cheesy silent film scene in the first 20 seconds.

I should probably be documenting the dance...I need a video camera! :D

At least it's not the flu.

My left side of my nose is clogged. The right side burns when I breathe.
My throat is dry.
I got a brain freeze earlier today, the sensation stuck and my head is freezing. It's been eight hours.

Vitamin C, NyQuil, Nasal Decongestant. Please save me.

A million thoughts.

I want to be a better person. I want to be healthy (this includes respecting my body), to let go of any personal grudges or drama I have, to read more, to study hard, to socialize, to dance and choreography until I can no longer move. I would love to build healthy relationships, work hard, and be happy. I want to work with children, be great at my job and work for a long time. I want to feel great about myself, love myself, love my family and friends.

I don't want to judge people, I don't want to gossip, I don't want to get angry, jealous, or irritated. I don't want to be irritated with you because you are becoming friends with someone I loathe. I don't want to hear my friends talking about how they don't enjoy other friends. I don't want friends to be unhappy because they are involved in unhealthy relationships.

I feel that so often lately a thought has come through my head and I do whatever I can to unthink it. I want to be everything I respect and not be a person that I dislike.

Goals.

In middle school, each student made an autobiography and there was a section that listed your goals. I've been thinking a lot lately about how irritated I am with myself for not finishing and training for that marathon. I think I'm going to try again and I'm also going to update/publish some goals/dreams/fun things.

1. Finish a marathon.

2. Own and teach at my dance studio.

3. Graduate from college and go back for a master's degree. I would really love to study more dance. I think it would be very interesting to work on the scientific/social part and look at how and why people move.

4. Get married, be a wonderful wife and work hard at building a beautiful, respectful relationship.

5. Have babies, be a great parent and really get to know and understand my kids.

6. Go sky diving, bungee jumping, and zip-lining!

7. Do some sort of theater again, I would love to get involved with lighting.

8. Take photography, cooking, foreign language and ASL classes.

9. Exercise regularly. I love Zumba, dancing, swimming, kickboxing, yoga etc. I just don't understand why I can't bring myself to be active each and every day.

10. Travel abroad for a lengthy amount of time. I'm so jealous of you Ashley. I feel like living somewhere else will give life a new perspective and complete me as a person. Could you imagine? Dancing in other countries? Gee Wiz!

11. I would really love to stop gossiping, judging, and comparing myself to others. I feel that leaving the cell phone at home and catching up at night would be enough, let my folks know that I'm alive. We don't need the fb, myspace, and what ever. I should at least cut my internet time down to 10 minutes a day.

This is a good start. I don't want to drag on and force it but if I could accomplish these, I could be happy.